Ann Kenrick invited her neighbours to her home to talk about death (Cartoons by Mark Warby)
Nine came. There was apple cake, lemon drizzle cake and tea; and conversation, lots of laughter, no tears. All who came, left happy.
The objective of the Death Café movement is ‘to increase awareness of death with a view to helping people make the most of their (finite) lives’.
Jon Underwood, following a continental tradition, was the first in Britain to invite people to his home in Hackney. That was in 2010. Now Death Cafés are held all over the world.
At our gathering, we shared our memories of the death of those we loved: poignant moments of farewell, the family gathered around a father’s bedside, arguments with siblings over where parents should be buried. Lack of planning or communication sometimes leaves scars that take decades to heal.
Then there is the nightmare of decluttering. Some had enjoyed taking time sorting their parents’ ‘stuff’; others found it a burden. One still had crates of memorabilia awaiting action. We all felt an obligation to make this aspect of our death easier for others.
One spoke of the horror of seeing his mother covered in excessive makeup by the undertakers. Another talked of the Irish tradition of viewing the dead, reporting how she had overheard her nephews before a funeral looking forward to seeing the open casket. One mentioned having told her family of her wish to donate her body to medical science. She was grateful for another’s advice that her family might also need guidance regarding a memorial event in lieu of a funeral.
Thinking ahead to old age we talked about the importance of Lasting Powers of Attorney. We all had stories to tell of where things had gone awry for friends without these. Ensuring access to relevant digital data was highlighted although most admitted they had done little to share passwords. It is always too early, till it is too late!
It was refreshing and uplifting to have such an open and honest discussion, ranging from the practical to the deeply philosophical.
To take part in further death cafés or for end of life planning advice, visit www.endoflifematters.co or email me annkenrick@outlook.com
